


The road to self love

by Eyeshield



Series: Being human sucks [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Blogging, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, Random & Short, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 11:35:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25848925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eyeshield/pseuds/Eyeshield
Summary: I wrote out my feelings and they don't make sense
Series: Being human sucks [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2043067
Comments: 4





	1. Chapter 1

The thing is I don't like me. You probably figured that out from the title I know, but I felt like I had to write it down for me to make it real. Acknowledge, one could say. Yes this isn't a fanfiction because it's about my life and experiences but I have the urge to share it and...I'm here. If it bothers someone I will take it down and delete, just let me write it out once. Maybe I am not the only one with these struggles and I a bit selfishly hope that someone will understand. Probably that's the reason for my urge. 

But back to not liking myself. Recently I've researched a bit about sweet things like social anxiety, maladaptive daydreaming, depression. I was pretty sure I don't have the latter but I checked anyway. I'm also around 70% sure that I have maladaptive daydreaming and know for a 100% that I don't want to get rid of it, so let's ignore that for now. Yepp, the issue I want to talk about is my social anxiety.Or the lack of it really. Till now I thought that based on the symptoms I am for sure have it. But I filled out some tests and checked sites like Psychology Today and had to realise: I am normal. At least my anxiety levels are average though sometimes they jump high it's still okay. And what's my problem with this? Easy. I had to take in that the reason I am scared to do some basic things isn't because I have a condition, but because I am pathetic, a scaredy cat. I lost my excuse, basically and it hit hard. Really until today I could safely say "no, I am not messaging that guy to ask for help, you should do it" or "I'm not going to talk to them, leave me alone I have social anxiety and I am an introvert". Okay most people didn't know what that meant but for me it made sense. I hope you get the point and I am not coming off as a terrible person. I mean I am an introvert but after checking the real symptomps, and consequences of social anxiety, not the Tumblr ones, I realised that people with this have it really,really though. And me declaring myself one of them, undermined their issues.

So yes I am probably a shitty person but I won't do this anymore. What will I do then? This brings me to the title. I want to get better. By better I mean, more confident, mostly less pathetic and I want others to respect me. Which is kinda controversial because I also want to be able to be myself and not caring about other people's opinion, but hopefully I will work that out. Jeez, this is already so messy. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I want to love myself. It won't be easy but I have to try. I know that I have some issues like insecurity (yupp, I am slightly overweight and todays society does wonders to one's self-esteem), indecisiveness, questioning myself all the time (at least I am good at arguing) and so on.

Based on the sites I checked the road to self love begins with being honest with yourself. As strange as it sounds this compostion/blog (?) is my way of doing that. Soo step one, check. It'd be nice if all the steps could be done like this. Unfortunately, either I am an absolute idiot at googling, or there really isn't a guide to lead you the way. Sure there are fix points such as expressing yourself and not caring about others opinions. The most important part is building your self-esteem. This seems the hardest to me and after reading a lot, I had to accept that there is no fix way of achieving that. There are some tips, but that's it, you have to figure it out yourself. 

After doing some Winnie the Pooh level of thinking I came up with two things I want to do for starters. These are small actions but start small,achieve big. Alright I made that up but khm point is I'm trying and I hope this helps.

To be honest the first thing that's on my pretty little list is mastering the "murder walk". In case someone doesn't know what that means it's pretty simple: head high, shoulders loose and think of someone you want to kill. To me the last part isn't actually important, I am trying to focus on the head high part. I spent my life looking down whenever I walked, and stupidly enough I thought that if I held my chin up I wouldn't see where I'm going. Yes this is absolute bullshit but I honestly believed it. I tried out this type of walk a few days ago and was shocked. This is such a small thing but it changed so much in my whole demeanour. I felt more confident and didn't feel the need to immediately duck out of the way when someone passed me by. I seriously recommend this to everyone.

The second thing I want to do is cutting my hair down. I know, this is such a cliché, but I've wanted to get a short pixie for a long time,I just never had the nerve to do it. I was always afraid that it will look awful, but now I feel like even if I look like a cabbage with it, I will still like it because it was a choice I dared to make. And if people make fun of me, well that's their problem. I made an appointment already so no backing out now. I hope my mentality won't change once I am not sitting in my room, but outside with real people around. Guess we will see.

I also read that if you look into the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you are beautiful, you will start to believe it. Maybe I will try this too, but it seems a bit weird to me.

For now this is all I wanted to say. I know this doesn't make much sense and rough but I'm glad I could write it down. If you have any advice or experience do tell me and thank you for reading my pretty random thoughts. I can't promise that I will continue this, but if I come up with something to add to my list or get another emotional breakdown I may.


	2. Fuck knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm just venting don't mind me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a bad day and I'm angry. This will sound like a spoilt brats whining so...well I warned you.

I feel so done with everything. Originally I wanted to post about how much progress I have made and I m on the good way now and all. Well nevermind that I'll post it later because it's true and all but right now I am so pissed and frustrated I just need to give it all out. And what other place to use for that if not the Internet? I honestly don't know why I'm writing this especially here but who cares, probably not many will read it anyway. If you do a warning for you: this is just me raging about prissy things so if you care about your mental health then stop right here.

Sooo. Today I woke up at hell o'clock like before 7 on Saturday like ahhh. So my morning started beautifully with me falling off the bed at the devil's time. Great. And what for? - One sane person would ask. Well because today is the day I had my language exam. Yupp best times ever. I kinda fucked up the writing part but apart from that seemed alright. Except for the part that it was in a football stadium and I couldn't find the goddamn gate. Good times.

Then come a 4 km walk to a hotel where the oral part of the exam was held. That's when I realised that I left my headphones at home. Like this has never ever happened to me before but why not today when I already feel shitty. Soo I walked without my music had lunch on a bench at a park then went to take the exam.

After that things got better I bought Santa gifts and I window shopped for like 20 minutes. Then I went to the bus stop and was ready to go home. Well after another 20 minutes of waiting I began to grasp that something is wrong. Me the wisest person on earth checked the bus schedule and yes I found the problem. ON WEEKENDS IT'S DIFFERENT. Yes. I am such an idiot oh my god. Sooo I happily checked that yeees the next bus comes in 2 hours. Hehe. Heheeeee.  
That discovery resulted in me complaining here because my friends are not available and I have way too much time to pass.

By the way I'm much calmer now than I was so I guess this kinda theraphy works. Anyway if somebody got this far please recommend some rage songs so when I actually have my headphones with me I can hate the world with even more passion. Thanks.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any grammatical mistake I made I am sleep deprived and emotional, also not a native but you probably recognised that. Thanks again for reading this and seriously if you have anything you'd like to add, please do I welcome any tips, experience or thought.


End file.
